I Realized...

What I'm going to say below is alll original, but the idea of listing what I've realized is from another persons blog (I can't remember who). So here it goes...


I realized...

That no matter how much I plan something always throws it off

In order to get what I want I need to work towards it

Even though I am a praying woman, and believe in a higher power, I cannot identify myself as a Christian (though I respect those that do)

The only competition I have in my life is ME

I can possibly become a computer game addict

I don't have to live in a box and my abilities are without limits

I can't blame others for my problems. Nope not even the Devil. (damn!)

I'm the only one that is responsible for my well being

I'm a very silly person

Being in my 20s doesn't give me the right to make dumb decisions

Sometimes I need to be away from certain people.

Other peoples habits can influence me (hence the above statement)

It's a good thing that I can't blow things up with my mind, or have super strength, or some other destructive power (because there would be a lot of missing people)

Lastly...

Life is what I make it. Live. Learn. Try not to Fuck it Up!

Could've Been the Perfect Love Story...

You've been acting different lately
Saying that you love me, calling me up and talking crazy
Making me feel restricted by your confession of love for me
And you say it with such conviction as if this came about so naturally

This would be the perfect love story if I felt the same
But unfortunately I don't and you're the one to blame

When we met you said you wanted to chill, and had no timef
or settling down
You thought I was "cool peoples" and figured we could fool around

I agreed to the arrangement, I must reluctantly confess
Honestly, I just liked the idea of having easy access

But how quickly things have changed
As we talked, laughed, and well...screwed
You began acting strange
You told me you loved me, and expect me
to say "I love you too!"
But I don't love YOU, I just love what we do :)
I don't love you how you love me and I damn sure ain't sorry
I think your just caught up in our sexual intensity
I find it sad that your so hurt, and I don't even feel guilty
Maybe if you knew what you know now
It could've worked out much differently

It probably would've been the perfect love story, if I felt the same
But, as you know, I don't, and you're the one to blame

You thought you would benefit the most from this deal
But instead you are broken hearted, how does that feel?
Not too good, as far as I can see
And it's still your fault
Hey don't get mad at me
You established this from the start

Because when you met me
All you saw was my body
Not my mind, not my smile, not even my personality
And what you offered was your body
Not your heart, not your mind, not your spirituality

Yeah you can say that feelings change to try and
justify how you grew to love me and why
But your intentions for me were clear in the beginning, and you know what
So was I

So it COULD'VE been the perfect love story
If you came correct initially
I just took what you offered and gave what you expected
You got what you wanted now just accept it :)

The God in Me (My personal vow)

He's sweet like sugar, spice, and everything nice.
But this is no longer enough to entice me out of my underwear ;)
I walk away, he stares, and I match his unwavering glare
But it's still not enough to entice me out of my underwear

You see I've taken a vow of celibacy
No it's not a promise of lifetime chastity
I just want that man to see God in me

I want him to look pass my curvy body
And, dare I say, sweet yoni ;)
And see God in me

I want him to look pass my wonderful feminity
And my oozing sexuality
And see God in me

I want him to know what I have between my knees
Is more precious than rubies

I want him to know what I harbor in my soul and mind
Is of the divine, and if he can't realize that
Then he is TRULY blind ;)

So, you can be sweet like sugar
Decadent like spice
And, oh so very nice
But that's not enough to entice me

Because I've taken a vow of celibacy
Not some lifetime chastity
I just want Him to see the God in me

My new Journey...

I've changed and grown so much since the last post. I've recently decided to become celibate (yaaay), for religious reasons. I've learned so much about myself and my relationship with God since the last post. At the beginning of the year, I made a New Year's Resolution contract with myself. I signed it and everything. But more importantly, I PRAYED. Prayed that I can honor it, prayed for the strength to acheive the things on this contract. One of the things on the contract was to get an internship; which I currently have. Another thing in this contract was to find a young AA female to mentor. Funny how God works, because my Godmother (who's just like a mom to me :)) started mentoring program at her church, and in order to be a mentor you had to be attend church, and study The Bible for yourself. This is relavent because in my Top 3 goals is the following:

TO PRACTICE PHYSICAL, MENTAL, AND SPIRITUAL DISCIPLINE

I didn't think about how all my goals were centered around God, but he's shown me by putting GOD first (who is all), my life will be better than I can ever imagine. With that, I've grown spiritually. Along with this spiritual growth, everything else fell into place. I'm now celibate until marriage. I've just started, been celibate for 3 months now. A friend told me to celebrate every 3 months! So I am. I see so much now that I've become celibate; I've been able to weed out all the losers. LOL...I pray that I continue to grow and do God's will. Until next time blogsphere! :)

I choose me...

My ex wants to be my friend. I don't want him in my life. At first, I thought it was b/c I was still heart broken. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized it was b/c the cost of having him in my life was too great. In exchange of having him as my friend, I will be losing me. I feel that way b/c I know, in my heart, that our friendship will be a parisitic relationship. I have proven time and time again that I can be a loyal girlfriend and friend, and he has taken advantage of it. I can't risk it anymore. I won't allow it. Parasite's feed off of their host until the host dies. I don't think a friendship should come down to losing your life b/c you care about someone. I do still care and love him. But my love for him won't make him love himself, and my love for him doesn't outweigh the love I have for me. I changed my myspace headline to, "Some ppl don't realize that they are in a box until they step outside of it...." This is the realization I've had with my life. For a person that claims to have love of self, I was making decisions to harm myself. I stayed with this person knowing that he was causing me spiritual harm, and I gave him the power to do so. Now I realize that I need to take control of me and practice true self love. That means taking that power that belongs to me, and saying goodbye that which causes me harm.

Queens and Pawns...

I wrote this in my "myspace blog" a couple month's back...

The analogy here is Chess. I'm not really a chess player, but I like the concept. I consider myself a Queen. I've been dealing with I thought was my king for about 6 yrs. I had an epiphany recently, and realized that this Queen was dealing with a silly pawn. Here's the deal. He decided to wander and deal with a pawn (a whore). After all the cussing, all the yelling, all the pain, and all the time wasted, I found myself wondering why would he risk losing me for her. I'm a woman who's got her shit together, knows what she wants, and knows how to get it. I'm a woman who can hold her own, and will stick with you even through the tough times. I'm the one who not only had his back but his front and stands by his side. I'm a Queen, and I thought he was my King. In chess the Queen protects her King, and vice versa. But my mistake was that I was trying to make this PAWN into a KING. A pawn is a pawn, the only thing their good for is to take another pawn. My ex (the pawn) does not have the qualities of a king, but I stuck it out, believing that I can make him one. The lesson I learned is that, as a Queen, I'll know my king when I see him. He will protect me, I will protect him. There will be no need to mold and build him. My ex has taught my a lot. Pawns are good for something, to take over other pawns. The King stands at the side of the Queen. So this queen has realized what a pawn is and what they are for and what they are not for. THOSE PAWNS ARE NOT FOR ME!!!

When I wrote this, I was very angry with my now and forever ex-boyfriend. I'm no longer angry, but I still feel the same. I STILL believe that he's definitely not a king. I'm sure that he can be somebody's king, just not mine. I also realized that in order for me to completely move on with life I must cut him out. He was like a poison to my spirit. And, I'm glad to be rid of that poison.